The Broncos suck. That’s why they lost.
It’s a joke. Jesus Christ on a stick. Chill out. The truth is actually more offensives than “they suck”. Put on your big girl panties and come along on this ride with me.
- It wasn’t all the “super bowl” marijuana jokes. It should have been.
- It wasn’t because John Elway isn’t on the team any more. He’s there in spirit.
- It wasn’t because of Obama or the Republicans. I know. Right?
It simply wasn’t meant to be by the powers that be. A year ago when the rich people who run the NFL sat down to decide who would win the Super Bowl in 2014 they decided on the Seattle team.
Oh fuck. Now I’ve pissed you off. Abortion. Paedophilia. Gassing Jews. Those things are all up for discussion but there are three things you don’t discuss in polite company unless you want a fight.
- Global warming. It is a religion not science. Fuck you.
- Diet. I’d like to toss a paleo and a vegan into a pit with a knife. Only one of them gets to come out. And sell tickets.
- NFL Football. It’s fake. It’s fake exactly like the WWE is fake.
I’ll pause while you spew hatred from your filthy little mouth. Yes. I just said the NFL is fake. Obviously I’m racist, sexist and homophobic. Probably a rapist as well. Whatever names you need to call me to avoid the truth you have at it.
You done now? Can we fucking move on as I explain the why and how of the fakeness?
WWE – Not Fake, Predetermined
Let’s start with the WWE. I use to watch WWE religiously. I can wax eloquently about all the Superstars. I often break into Stone Cold Steve Austin or Rock impersonations. The Dudley Boyz and the Dutchess of Dudleyville Ms. Stacy Keibler still hold a special place in my black heart.
Dudley Death Drop!
I would get (and still do get pissed off) when people say the WWE is fake. “What the fuck do you mean fake” I spout while foaming at the mouth. “Did you just see Stone Cold jump off the top of that cage and land on Undertaker? Which part of that was fucking fake? Is he on a wire? Is that some CGI? Fuck you. The only fake thing around here are your mother’s titties.”
See. I get worked up too. I know exactly how you feel. I also know how you mom’s titties feel. That’s how I know they’re fake. But I digress.
All the beating you see in the ring is real. That’s not true. Much of it is real. Yes, they are holding back sometimes. Yes, those stupid sleeper holds are really so the wrestlers can rest. Yes, they cut themselves sometimes to get the blood. But those are real athletes doing things you and I can’t do.
The amazing part is they do this stuff without getting hurt. Any idiot could do what they do and really get hurt. I could break my fucking head open in 5 seconds in the ring with Stone Cold. Being in the ring with Stone Cold and not getting broken is the accomplishment.
The winner of each match is predetermined. They know who is suppose to win long before taking to the ring. When it comes time for a WWE Champion match the decision regarding who will win must be made carefully. For the winner of that championship match is going to sell a shit ton of merchandise. The winner and the match also going to become part of the storyline that fuels future conflicts and plot lines in the WWE.
The matches are real. The matches are also rigged.
If you wanna be the man you have to beat the man.
How does this relate to the NFL?
NFL – Not Fake, Predetermined
The games are real but the season is rigged. Yes. Those men really are running around on the field with a ball. No the cheerleaders are not really that attractive. They also are not cheerleaders.
Let me digress for a moment. As if you can stop me.
Those are not cheerleaders. Those are fucking dance teams. And calling them dance teams is an insult to dancers. I work in theatre. I know dancers. I love and adore and admire dancers. NFL cheerleaders are not even dancers. They are bimbos with pompoms.
Real cheerleaders are athletes who perform stunts. Real cheerleading involves flying and tumbling. For the stupid people, this is what real cheerleaders look like.
Yes. I agree. The tampon sponsorship is hilarious.
Notice there are no fucking pompoms. So fuck the NFL “cheerleaders”. Actually I wouldn’t fuck them. I have standards.
Done with that.
Think for a moment about how much money flows into a city & team & stadium after winning a Super Bowl. Now ask yourself this.
“If I were one of the mega rich NFL team owners who receives massive subsidies from local, state and federal governments at taxpayer expense would I leave the disposition of millions upon millions of dollars up a bunch of men who barely made it out of college with a 1.99 GPA running up a down a field with a ball while wearing tight pants and touching each other’s asses on national TV?”
Unless you are stupid your answer to this question would be “fuck no”.
This past Sunday millions of dollars were going to flow in either Denver or Seattle. It was Seattle right? I really don’t know nor do I care. It wasn’t, hasn’t, and never will flow by chance.
Additionally the winner of the Super Bowl is also going to become part of the storyline that fuels future conflicts and plot lines in the NFL. Three-peat merchandise anyone?
You protest. I can hear you screeching at me about how much I must hate the children. The NFL can’t be rigged you say. With all those people playing the game if it were rigged one of them would say something.
This is like saying voting can’t be rigged because with all those people voting one of them would say something. I have news for you. Your vote doesn’t count. Nor do the votes of all those dead people. But that’s another topic and I digress.
Every player in the NFL isn’t in on the scam. They don’t need to be. The owners need only make sure the anointed team makes it to and wins the Super Bowl. The games leading up to the Super Bowl have little relevance. Certainly the Ponies . . . I mean Broncos . . . had to win a certain number of games to get to the Super Bowl. In fact many of those games were likely won by the actual athletic skills and merits of the players.
Just like WWE wrestlers the players in the NFL are real athletes doing things that most of us can’t do without dying.
But say the Ponies are suppose to go to the Super Bowl. Say the Ponies are one game short of enough wins to make it to the Super Bowl. It doesn’t require that every player on the field be “on the take”. All you need is for the quarterback of the other team, let’s say it’s the Fishies on this given Sunday, to throw an interception or two. Or miss some passes. Or fumble. Or for the Fishies kicker to miss a field goal.
Ever seen a field goal kicker miss a kick which he has made thousands of times? Do you think he suddenly forgot how to kick a football?
Choose now Football fans. Red pill or blue pill.
I watched some football back in the day. I can still enjoy a college game now and then. But the NFL is unbearable to anyone with a brain. More so than the WWE which relishes it’s scripted monologues and wins. Expending effort to cheer for the Ponies to beat the Fishies is akin to expending effort in the desire for Coke to sell more product this week than Pepsi.
The NFL teams are multi-billion dollar corporations owned by rich people. Mostly white. Mostly men. The NFL is supported by conservatives of course but also by liberals who hate corporations and hate rich white men and hate capitalism.
If you are one of those idiots who thinks the rich should pay their “fair share” and you love you some football this video is for you.
Come back soon for the impending first episode of the Twitter Roach Podcast.