It may be hard for you to believe but I do have friends. Even harder for you to believe might be that most of them are women. Now in this one case I mean “friends” in the sense that we are friends (not that we are friends that fuck) in real life (not on fucking Facebook). I actively seek out girls for my friends since that’s just how I roll. In the process I’ve made a few observations I wanted to pass along to help out any girls who actually want to be friends (the real life and non-fucking kind) with boys.
Because let’s face it. You bitches are clueless. It’s like O.G. Furious says. “Women only have two compartments in their brains. One is for kitchen. And the other one they don’t use.”
If you want to be non-fucking real life friends with a boy here are three hints for your ass.
1. Take some fucking initiative. Call or text the boy and initiate an activity. I have lots of female friends but few of them can manage to start an exchange that looks something like this.
Her txt mesg: Hey, what r u doing?
My txt mesg: Watching porn and eating Cheetoes. You? (Notice how I can fucking spell the word “you”.)
Her: Not much. We should grab a beer.
Me: When and where?
Her: 6pm at Tony’s?
Me: I’m there. See ya!
Her: See ya!
Of all the chycks I know only two of ’em can fucking initiate getting together. The rest of the women I know sit around waiting for me to do all the work.
Look bitches, I understand that you expect the guy to do all the work. But that only applies when the guy is fucking you. If I’m busting nuts inside you and coming on your face on a regular basis I’ll make all the decisions for you. But if you want to “just be friends” then you better make some fucking decisions.
And if you don’t make decisions and you’re hot don’t be surprised if I fuck you. ‘Cause if I have to do all the work I’m gonna either stop talking to you or I’m going to fuck you. Don’t wanna get fucked? Then make a decision now and then.
Last thing on this. You may be thinking “If I ask a boy to go get a beer he will either think I’m a slut or that I want to fuck him.” Honey, if he’s actually your friend he’s not going to think you’re a slut and we boys assume all women want to fuck us. It’s our job to weed out the ugly ones.
2. Girls talk about problems because they identify with problems. Boys talk about problems to solve problems. Don’t argue with the first statement. You know it’s true. Here’s the thing. When you talk to your friends who are boys about your problems the boys are stupid and are going to think you want the problems fixed. You don’t. But the boys will try to fix them for you unless you make it clear that you are “just bitching” or “venting” or “blowing off steam”. You gotta phrase it in a way boys can understand. And be very clear. Boys don’t take hints.
If you don’t make it clear that you are just bitching and don’t want the boy to help you fix the problem or just go and fix the problem without even asking you he’s gonna fix the problem and that’s just gonna piss you off. ‘Cause then you have to go find a new problem as you just lost part of your identity when the problem was solved.
3. When you are having problems (and since you’re a girl you’ll have lots of ’em) don’t go into your little shell and ignore all your friends who are boys. Boys have low tolerance for this shit. Boys have problems and lives that suck ass and all that shit just like you do but we power through it. We still hang out with our friends at poker night. We still show up for softball. We still go to work. We don’t sit in a dark corner and feel sorry for ourselves.
Here’s an example. I sent one of my friends three text messages and an email over a two week period. I was totally ignored. Keep in mind I wasn’t looking for an instant response. Note to boys: don’t expect your friends who are girls to drop everything and respond to you instantly. In fact if she does so she probably has no life. However on the other extreme during a two week time frame she should be able to fucking bang out one text message saying “Yes I’m still alive. Just been really busy.”
So after two and a half weeks I finally hear back from her. She had been having “emotional problems” and that’s why she didn’t respond. Of course you’ve been having emotional problems. You’re a girl. That’s what girls do. Instead of contemplating your navel in a dark corner try interacting with other people and going outside of your room. Sunlight. Fresh air. Exercise. Friends. These things make your emotional problems less important.
You’re having a shitty week? Welcome to being alive. Get use to it princess. You can ignore all your girl friends – in fact that’s probably the best move you’ll ever make – but ignore your boy friends for long enough and they are gonna stop giving a shit about you. You may think they can’t live without you but ignoring them just shows ’em they can live without you. And they will.
There it is. My contribution to male / female friendships. Now go call some boy you wanna be friends with and ask him if he wants to get a beer. And for fuck’s sake, pick the fucking bar. Don’t make him do it.