Are you a “foodie”?
If so you annoy me.
What is a foodie? According to the Urban Dictionary one definition is
A person that spends a keen amount of attention and energy on knowing the ingredients of food, the proper preparation of food, and finds great enjoyment in top-notch ingredients and exemplary preparation.
This use to be the definition of a normal person. Once upon a time people prepared their own food. They didn’t eat out of boxes. They didn’t eat frozen meals. They didn’t go to restaurants every fucking day of their life. You make you own food, you knew how to make your own food, you knew what was in your food. Fuck, at one time people grew and raised their own food, or at least knew the people who did so.
Here is a side note – if you eat at a restaurant more than once a week don’t ever fucking talk to me about how poor you are. If you have money for a restaurant you are not poor. Fuck you.
A better definition of foodie from the Urban Dictionary is
A douchebag who likes food.Douchebag – “I’m a big foodie.”
Non-doucher – “Really? I like food too, but I’m not a tool.”
But I think this one is the almost accurate definition from Urban Dictionary.
A dumbed-down term used by corporate marketing forces to infantilize and increase consumerism in an increasingly simple-minded American magazine reading audience.
The addition of the long “e” sound on the end of a common word is used to create the sensation of being part of a group in isolationist urban society, while also feminizing the term to subconsciously foster submission to ever-present market sources.
Though the terms “gastronome” and “epicure” define the same thing, i.e. a person who enjoys food for pleasure, these words are perceived by the modern American consumer as elitist due to their latin root forms and polysyllabic pronunciations.
Also spelled “foody”
This newest repackaging of Third World derived ingredients in the latest Trader Joe’s product is ever so delicious and different, it’s really made for all you foodies out there to BUY NOW!
The one part that needs adding?
Specifically the fact that people who have time to fetish over food like this are doing so because they aren’t fucking.
I like olives. I love olives. The olive bar at Sunflower Market is one of my favourite destinations. But not more so than vagina. Seriously. The fact that so many people are so obsessing over food tells me that they have a gap in their life. A gap that needs filling.
Or at the least, a gap that needs to be kept away from me. If you are a foodie please fuck off.